| Below is an
interview that
was done with Christy Marr.
Can you describe the first time
Diane Sanborn
[a DHS caseworker] ever arrived at your house?
Logan was still in her crib. Andrew
[Christy's boyfriend]
was sleeping. I had just gotten up. I had just put out my first
cigarette,
and I walked to the door. Like, "Who is it?" She's like, "Diane
Sanborn,
Department of Human Services." I'm like, "What do you want?" "We need
to
talk to you."
So I opened the door. She came in,
and Diane asked
me all kinds of questions. She wanted to look in my cupboards and she
wanted
to look in my fridge and she wanted to see Logan. So I brought Logan
out
of her room and I got her dressed right then and there. I didn't care
that
she was there, but I didn't hide nothing. I was feeding her the whole
time
she was there.
Diane just asked me about my family
background. She
knew a lot about me. She was telling me what kind of trouble I was in
when
I was a kid, and like, "Wow, you know quite a bit about my life." She
knew
about Andrew overdosing on medication, and she brought that up.
She asked if either one of us had a
substance abuse
problem. I didn't at the time, and I still don't. But I said, "No," on
my behalf, and I said, "He's in St. Mary's substance abuse counseling."
She's like, "OK. Well, we want to keep checking in a couple months and
a couple weeks and see how everything's going," and whatever. Didn't
think
nothing of it.
She wouldn't tell me who had called.
She read me
this ridiculous report. Something about that there was dirty bottles in
Logan's room and that she never had a bath. I mean, it was just-- I sat
back. I'm like, "Whoa." Said, "Somebody's lying. I don't know where you
got the report," and [then] said, "I think I know where you got it."
She
wouldn't confirm it, but she wouldn't deny it, either. So it was one of
those things.
Who was it?
My mother -- because she was mad
because I moved
out, and I took Logan with me. So--
So she made things up?
Yes. Yes.
But you forgave your mother
over and over again?
Yes. I did. I forgave her quite a few
times.
Why?
I think I needed her, and she needed
me for different
reasons, whether it was financial or somebody to talk to. Somebody who
knew me. just different reasons, I guess. Wanting somebody there to
talk
to.
Did you tell yourself it would
be different
the next time?
Oh, every time. It's going to be
different this time.
She'll listen. She'll understand. And she made promises after promises.
"Oh, I won't do that again to you." Of course, it was always the same
thing
every time. I thought I'd learn, but--
You want to blame her for the
fact that the
state got so involved in your life for such a long time?
Yes. Yes, I do. You can forgive, but
you can't forget.
But you can only forgive her so many times. I'll never forget what she
did to me.
DHS laid out a whole lot of
rules for you.
I'm going to read you some of what they call the service agreement
between
you and them. I just want to hear sort of what your reaction is or was
to it when it was first decided on. It says, "Christie will submit
names
of people or person with whom she is or plans to be intimately involved
with, and shall not allow any contact between that person until
assessed
and approved by DHS. If there is a person with whom Christie wants to
be
involved with, then Christie agrees that if that person does not wish
to
engage in services, then that person will not be part of Logan's life."
They said [you] "must sever all contact with your mother."
I mean, there were a lot of
rules here. Was
it hard? I mean, do you resent it? Did you feel like they were too
involved
in your life?
I did resent it. But as far as
submitting names and
everything, that wasn't a problem. I didn't have nothing to hide from
them.
They asked me frequently, "Are you involved with anybody?" So I
wouldn't
lie to them; I told them, and more than nine times out of 10, I wasn't.
But not talking to my mom, for the most part, I didn't, because I
wasn't
supposed to. But I kept in contact through friends of hers and mine,
mutual
friends, to let her know what was going on [with me].
I guess I'm more asking you,
not so much whether
you kept the rules, but whether it made you angry that you had so much--
Yes. Oh, yes. Angry? Somebody else
was running my
life. I was just a person following rules. Wasn't my direction; wasn't
my thoughts, my opinions -- it was theirs. It made it really hard to
have
your own life. But I managed, somehow. Angry -- that goes without
saying.
I think it was more hatred.
So more and more you grew to
resent them?
Every passing day.
[Ed. Note: While Logan was in DHS
custody, Christy
had another baby, a girl named Bailey. Still forbidden from contacting
her mother, she got an apartment for herself and Bailey. After seven
months,
satisfied that Christy had changed, DHS returned Logan to her and
closed
her case. Christy then decided to move with the girls to Florida, to
stay
with her estranged father. He had become alienated from the family
after
a bitter divorce during which Christy accused him of molesting her. He
denied the accusation, and Christy later recanted.]
When you decided to go to
Florida, you were
going back to somebody whom you had accused of molesting you as a
child.
Despite the fact that the department didn't want you to go, you
determined
that you were going to go. What did you tell yourself? How did you
explain
that to yourself? How do you explain that now?
How do I explain it? I always had
this demon. I always
looked at him as a demon. I was always scared to stand up for myself
and
say, "No more." Well, I figured I was a big person now, and I wanted to
do this for myself. I think it was more for my self-esteem than
anything.
Do you understand why somebody
would say you
were putting your own need before your kids -- [that] you were exposing
your kids to somebody who could hurt them?
I do. That's the sad part. Sometimes
you have to
take care of your own needs before you can take care of your
children's.
But that was a hard choice to make. It wasn't an easy one to go down
there.
I originally didn't want to even take my kids with me. I wanted to
leave
them back here in Maine so I could do it, but I couldn't be more than
five
minutes away from my kids. I just can't. It bothers me too much. I
worry
too much. So I figured if I took them with me, they could be safe
because
I wouldn't let anything happen. This time I was the adult; I could take
care of them.
It was a poor decision and a bad
risk, and I know
that. I understand why there's conflict [with DHS] with that one
situation.
But I think I needed to do it to get on with my life. Unfortunately,
the
department can't see it that way.
[Ed. Note: Christy returned with
her children
from Florida after nine weeks, and moved in with her mother, Kathy. She
began a relationship with a new boyfriend, Paul, who was a convicted
burglar.
Concerned about both her living arrangements and her new relationship,
DHS reopened her case. When her new caseworker received an anonymous
tip,
never confirmed, that Paul had hit Christy in front of Logan, she moved
quickly to remove both girls from Christy's custody.]
Can you tell about the second
time they were
out to your house to take your children? Tell me the story.
That morning Logan was sick. She was
sleeping on
the couch; Bailey had just gotten up from her morning nap. My
ex-husband
had gone in to go get the baby to bring her out, and there was a knock
at the door. It was 11:30 in the morning, and I remember them walking
in.
I didn't have my hand on the door yet, and they just walked right in.
There was two caseworkers and two
cops. There was
one in uniform, one out of uniform. I said, "Yes, can I help you?" I
knew
who it was, knew the caseworker right by her face. She goes, "Yes,
we're
here to take your kids." I'm like, "Excuse me -- why?" "It's in the
affidavit
-- read it. Get their things together." I'm like, "You can't do this."
She goes, "Oh, yes, I can and I'm going to." And she did.
I got Logan up and I woke her up. She
looked at the
caseworker and she knew who she was; she knew why she was there. Logan
started screaming, "No, Mommy, don't let them take me. Mommy, please
don't
let them take me." I told her it was going to be OK. She's like, "No,
Mommy,
don't make me go." You're talking about a 4-year-old who's sick with
the
flu. You know?
There weren't even seat belts or car
seats or anything
when they took off. They wanted to get out of there as quick as
possible.
I barely had time to pack a small bag for each of them, and they were
gone.
I carried them all the way out to the
van. I was
surrounded by two cops and two caseworkers. One, the caseworker
herself,
jumped into the van in the driver's seat, and the other one was in the
back seat with the kids, trying to get them buckled in. They slammed
the
door and she took off. I remember I fell to my knees and I cried, "Dear
God, no."
When did you first see the
girls after they
were taken?
Almost four days later. They weren't
eating or drinking.
They were barely using the bathroom. They wanted Mom. First time I saw
those girls, they didn't want to let go. We just sat, and I remember I
rocked them. We sat down. I remember Logan asking me if they could go
home.
I told her no. She asked me, "How you promise to get me back?" I said,
"I can't promise you; I'm trying." So many things have happened since
that
day; many promises that got broken because of DHS.
At that point, did you think
you would get
them back?
Yes. I thought back to Logan's first
case. Well,
if I abide by their rules, probably seven months, if not less, they'll
be home, if I can prove that I haven't been doing anything wrong.
Wasn't the case. When they took those
girls, they
had an agenda, and they knew it the day they walked in my door. They're
adoption-age. They're girls. They're young. They're healthy. They had
planned
on adopting my children out.
[When the kids were taken
away], there were
a lot of classes you had to take, and supervised visits. Can you give
us
a picture of what your life was like then? What was the most difficult
part?
I'd say the most difficult time was
around the holidays,
around Thanksgiving and Christmastime for me. I was working three
different
jobs -- a farm, a convenience store, and a department store clothing
department.
It was more the travel time than anything that took the longest. But
when
you have to, you get very little sleep. I probably back then averaged
maybe
four hours of sleep every two days. But I tried to keep a positive
attitude.
They always say it gets worse before it gets better. Well, I think that
was my worst part. And it was just hard to keep up with things
sometimes.
It felt like I was dragging all the time.
But I still made it and I paid
attention. I had to.
I wanted to make sure I could support myself and prove that I could and
still do all their groups. [You go to these groups and] you listen to
stories
and you have to talk about yourself. I'm not one that likes to do that
too often, especially when it's too painful, like [about losing] the
kids.
But you have to. So I did. I did what I had to do. It wasn't easy. It
wasn't
fun.
There was many nights when I was
working for [the
department store] during third shift I would cry standing in the
[corner]
because I didn't know how much more I could take. I mean, there's days
even now that it's like that. But back then it was even hard, because I
didn't know when it was going to end, or where is the end to this? You
do everything. You do everything, [and it] doesn't seem like there's an
end.
How did you get from place to
place?
There was transportation; Department
of Human Services
used to set up transportation. They would pick me up, depending on what
time I have to be picked up, and transport me back down there to
Lewiston
area and then back home [for DHS appointments]. For individual
counseling,
at the time, I walked. I had my two feet and I walked. I walked to
work,
sometimes walked home. During the wintertime, I walked a lot and it was
cold.
There were times during these
years that you
were involved with DHS where you missed a lot of counseling
appointments.
You knew you might lose your kids. How could you not go to every single
thing that they wanted you to do?
I was tired. Very tired. I was losing
faith and hope.
Why bother? What's going to come out of this anyway? You know they're
going
to try to take my kids and they're not going to give them back; why,
why,
why are they doing this? Why am I fighting so hard? No matter how hard
I'm fighting, what would be the point? I'm going to lose in the end
anyway.
That's my feeling back then. Is it worth it? My children were always
worth
it. But you're going to lose the fight, why do you fight? You don't.
You
give up and you walk away. It was just frustrating.
Was there a time when you
accepted the possibility
that you might really lose your kids?
Yes. I sure did. It's probably right
after Christmastime.
I knew I was going to lose. I knew I would have lost. But I still kept
going, because I didn't want them to think that their mom gave up on
them
and that she was a quitter. But I was ready to face that possibility. I
wrote my children a letter the day Logan died, because that's right
around
the time when I started accepting that I was going to lose them; I knew
it.
Could you read that letter for
us?
Well, I wrote it at 11:04 a.m. the
morning Logan
died. It says, "Dear Logan and Bailey, my sweet little ladies: I think
of you so much, and often it seems hard to believe you girls have been
gone so long now. It tears me up inside to think of the pain and tears
and heartaches I have caused the two of you. I made decisions at the
time
I thought was right.
"The past almost 11 months, I've had
so much time
to think, learn, understand and most of all, grow up. I'm not seeing
you
girls today due to the weather. I think of you all the time. I think of
all the time I've wasted, thinking what I've missed so much in your
lives.
I can't even begin to imagine how or why things happen the way they do.
I can't change what has happened, but I can hope and pray that your
future
and mine will get better. All I can say is I'm sorry I hurt the both of
you.
"In a month or so from now, I stand
the chance to
lose the both of you forever, and it's been no picnic. But this is not
your fault. It's mine, and mine alone. I want the both of you to know,
no matter what happens, I love you and miss you and will never stop
fighting
for you.
"From what I understand, you girls
have things I
couldn't or didn't know how to give to you. But I'm trying to learn,
and
I hope some day you will forgive me for messing up your lives. All I
ever
wanted was for you two to be safe, healthy, happy, and give you
everything
you ever needed or wanted.
"Logan, you're turning into a
wonderful big sister,
helper, friend and just so much more. You're doing great in school.
You're
learning and growing every day. You're a smart little girl. If there
ever
comes a time when we can't be together, please, I beg you to watch out
for your little sister. I love you, Logie-Bear.
"Bailey, you're still small and still
learning right
from wrong. You're talking more every day. Like I asked your sister,
Logan,
please listen to her. I love you, Bay-Bay. There's so much more I want
to say, but there will never be enough words to say it in.
"So, in closing, I want you both to
know I love you
with all my heart and soul. Please don't forget me. When the day comes
you need me or want me, you'll find me. I love you girls forever and
always.
Love always, Mom. Logan and Bailey, my two little angels sent from
heaven,
big hugs and kisses."
Return to Logan's story right where
you left off,
by clicking here
or you can keep reading the interview
below.
What comes out in that letter
is that you blamed
yourself.
Because apparently I was doing
something wrong. If
I wasn't doing something wrong, I wouldn't have lost my rights. I had
to
have been doing something wrong. What, I don't know.
You didn't think you were a
good enough parent
for them?
Yes. Maybe that's what it was. I
don't know. Whether
I was a good enough parent or I wasn't doing things the way I was
supposed
to be doing, or I had just maybe took one too many risks. I don't know
what happened. I wanted to be able to say goodbye in my own way without
somebody saying, "Well, you won't be seeing your mommy any more." And I
wanted this to be read to them when they were older.
You had given up?
I had given up. I couldn't do it any
more. I was
hurting too much. I was too tired. No matter how much everybody says,
"Don't
give up, don't give up, you've got to keep fighting," they weren't
walking
in my shoes. They didn't know what I went through day in and day out.
Maybe
if they did, they'd know, getting pressures from different ends of the
world. Just too tired. Too frustrated.
Do you regret giving up?
When I read this letter, yes. I do.
But some day
I will get over that regret. If I had lost the girls, if it had come
down
to that, they may have had a better life; who knows? But it hasn't come
to that. I don't think I could live with myself [if] I had lost those
girls.
I really don't.
In the letter, you say that
things that they
have now that you weren't able to give them. What were you talking
about?
More of a stable home -- what I've
been accused of.
They weren't moving around. But in the end, they were, because they
ripped
my girls out of the home they knew, put them with a bunch of strangers
-- they had no clue. Couple of months later, put them in another foster
home with a bunch of strangers again, and then Bailey being moved
again.
They're worse than I was ever accused of being.
I didn't put my kids with strangers.
But they did.
They helped kill one of my children, and we give them awards for that
or
a pat on the back -- great parenting job? They've done more damage to
those
little girls than I was ever accused of doing. But that's OK.
Why is that OK?
Because they're God. They make the
rules and they
break the rules. I just don't know what gives them the right to play
God
with another human's life . It doesn't make sense.
They said you were
demonstrating "recidivism
under scrutiny." That means when taught and told what mistakes you had
made, you continued to make them. Did they have any case?
No. Because I wasn't. I had changed
my ways, as far
as what they said I was doing; as far as not protecting my kids. The
one
risk that I did take [going to Florida], I could have jeopardized them,
yes. But I didn't. Sure, I probably shouldn't have gone, but I don't
think
I was completely wrong for going.
But moving around, I never moved 17
times as they
claimed. You can't do that. That's impossible; you'd have to move every
other week. I didn't move no 17 times. I had homes, yes. I did, but not
17 of them in less than a year's time. No way. It's impossible.
Sounds like one of your biggest
crimes was
that you were so angry at them.
Yes. I'm bitter. I'm very bitter. I
don't like them.
They control people's lives, and they have too much power and they
abuse
it. Who else could make those kinds of decisions about your life?
Nobody.
But they can.
There's a very interesting
piece of time. In
August 2000, which is about five or six months after they took the
girls,
you got a letter from your lawyer, which said basically that Allison,
your
caseworker, was pleased with your progress and that things were looking
really, really good.
A month later, it looked like
things changed
drastically. Do you have any idea what happened? Did you make choices
[that
affected DHS's decisions about the girls]? For example, you married
Paul.
This is a man you had told them you don't want to have anything to do
with;
he was bad news. Then you went ahead and married him. Do you think that
had anything to do with their decision to take your kids?
[Ed. Note: In the fall of 2000,
without notifying
DHS, Christy remarried Paul, the man who had been accused of hitting
her
in front of Logan -- the incident which first triggered the girls'
removal.]
I remarried him. I probably did it
too quickly. I'll
take responsibility for that, sure. But at the time, I thought it was
right,
so I remarried him, because I thought I owed him that much for a second
chance.
Did you know that you could
lose your children
over that?
No, because the way the law states,
they didn't have
any evidence at that point that he had ever harmed a child. What he did
in his previous relationships, yes, they could have made him go to
counseling,
which at the time he was willing to do. And he was willing at the time
to go to the known-offenders group with me.
But over and over again, they
had told you,
"Stay away from abusive people. Stay away from people who are a risk to
your children." Over and over again, they had penalized you for not
doing
that. And yet, when you were in grave risk of losing your children, you
went back to somebody who you knew had an abusive past. Why?
It's like the old shoe. It fits.
Did you love this man?
I don't think I knew what love was. I
think that
I needed somebody there, you know, just to dump on; I think it was more
or less that. I don't think I ever loved him, no. Did I care about him?
Yes, I did in a different way, more of a friend. But as for a husband
and
wife relationship, no. He was just there.
You were taking a big risk.
Yes.
Why didn't you tell anybody
that you were going
to marry him again?
Because I knew they would have
stopped me somehow,
and I didn't want people to stop me and tell me how to run my life.
They
had been doing that for so long. When can I make my own decisions,
whether
they're poor or good? When? So that's why I didn't tell anybody.
Did you think they wouldn't
find out?
I knew they'd find out. I think I
didn't want to
tell them, because I wanted to do it out of spite, because that's how
much
I hated them. I guess I was looking out for me and not the girls at
that
time. But at the time, I didn't think it was going to hurt them; they
weren't
with me. But little did I know -- just because they're not with me
doesn't
mean it's not going to hurt them.
Was that the reason that they
started wanting
to terminate your parental rights so quickly?
I think so. It gave them the reason
they were looking
for. They were always looking for a reason or some kind of screw up, so
that way they could do it legally.
Once Logan was in foster care
the second time
around, there is increasingly a sense that she would have these fits,
these
rages.
Yes.
Is that something you were
familiar with? Did
this happen to her after she entered foster care?
Well, if she didn't get her way,
she'd throw a normal
temper tantrum. Four-year-olds do that. And hers was yelling. It wasn't
crying. I mean, she'd just yell. I always just sent her to her room so
I didn't have to listen to the yelling. She would march all the way to
her room and scream all the way down there. "Go ahead, scream. Make
sure
you can scream a little bit louder, because I don't think the neighbors
can hear you," -- that type of scream.
So when they said that she was raging
and she was
throwing things, that wasn't Logan. That was not Logan, and it didn't
make
sense to me. I'm like, "All right, I can understand temper tantrums." I
mean, yes, she's got them when she don't get her way. But it wasn't
often.
And these people are saying she had
one every time
she saw me. Well, what could be the reason she was doing it after she
saw
me? Maybe because she wanted to come home. She wouldn't do it before.
It
was always afterwards. When she asked if she can come home with me, I'd
have to tell her no. And she'd be all upset.
Did she ask that a lot?
Every time I saw her. "Is it time to
go home yet,
Mom?" I said, "What do you mean -- back to your foster mom's house?
"No,
home with you." "No." She'd ask that constantly.
So these were not
tantrums you were familiar
with?
No.
Thrashing, screaming?
No. No, they weren't. That was not
Logan.
She was changing.
She was getting older. She knew what
she wanted.
I don't think people knew how to deal with that, because Logan was a
lot
like me; I'm boisterous. She stated her opinion. If she was mad, you
knew
she was mad, and you knew why she was mad. I taught her to be that way
for a reason -- so if she had a problem, she wouldn't be afraid to
speak
her mind. So, that way, something could get done.
I'm sometimes wondering if I should
have done that
or if I regret that, because it makes me wonder what she said to Sally
the day she died. You know? Whether she said, "I'm going to tell my
mommy."
You know, and just little things.
Sally wrote you some letters.
I'm just going
to read you some sections, and then I want to just get your feedback,
what
you thought about them. "Dear Christy, I'm sorry if I offended you by
referring
to you as 'Mommy Christy.' I was just trying to sort out for Logan who
was who. She tends to refer to you, Mary Beth, and her previous foster
mother as 'my 'nother mommy.' In an attempt to help her sort out who's
who, I refer to everyone as Mommy. I didn't mean to hurt your
feelings."
Did she?
Yes, she did, because I knew better.
Logan never
called everybody Mommy. Her first foster mother ever was always by her
first name. Mary Beth was Mary Beth. That was it. I felt she was trying
to get Logan to call her Mommy, because she knew she was going to wind
up adopting the girls, and that was what was in the plan.
You didn't think maybe Logan
was getting confused,
the longer she was away?
No. Logan knew who Mom was. She knew
that. I mean,
that'd be like saying that about Bailey. Bailey knows who Mom is. She's
younger, and she's been gone a little bit longer now, even without her
sister, and still knows who Mom is. My girls know, and I can honestly
say
that.
OK. Here's another part that I
wanted to read
to you. "Please let us know what you decide to get the girls for
Christmas,
so we don't get the same things. We already have their big gifts, but
still
need to get some smaller ones. Our families have already been asking
for
lists of gift ideas for the girls. So I'm sure they'll get everything
they
need, and then some." Did that bother you at all?
Yes.
How did you interpret it?
Like I was being just another person
donating presents
to the tree. Locked out. Very locked out.
Did you feel -- and this is
November -- did
you feel that she was shutting you out?
Trying to disconnect me and the
children. Trying
to separate us, somehow. She knew that I was working and didn't have a
lot of money, because I was on my own at that point. So she knew. And
she
comes from a family that has money.
Here's another one. "Logan
loves puzzles, 63
to 100 pieces. Books and dress-up stuff. She really likes costume
jewelry
and almost anything sparkly. She loves art stuff. Bailey really enjoyed
anything that makes music. She also [likes] puzzles, 10 to 40 pieces,
and
anything cuddly." What was your reaction to that?
I already knew this. They're my
girls. Of course,
I already knew this. I already knew what they liked. I knew what they
had.
They always used to tell me, so I already knew what they had. I mean, I
spent enough time with my children to know what kind of things they
liked
and what they didn't like. I think it was more the clothes. You know,
knowing
their sizes, because it'd been a while. I mean, that was helpful, but I
already knew [about] the toys. I know what my children like and what
they
don't like.
OK. You wrote Sally a letter,
which I want
you to read, too.
"Dear Sally, I wanted to thank you
for taking good
care of Logan and Bailey. The photos you have sent are very thoughtful
of you. I hope the boots I got for Logan and the sneakers for Bailey
will
be OK for now. If the girls ever need anything, please let me know.
"The girls are everything to me. The
girls are everything
to me. I love them very much. I miss them every day, more than anyone
will
ever know. I'm trying to send what I can and I hope it's enough.
"When Logan's report card or school
notes come in,
can you please let me know how she's doing? Logan has told me a lot
about
her activities and swimming, for her and Bailey, dance class. I hope
and
pray they're both doing well in all their activities.
"Logan mentioned that she wants to
bring Strawberry,
her doll. I was hoping you would let her bring it. It used to be mine
as
a child, and I gave it to her. Mary Beth helped her fix and patch the
doll
to Logan's satisfaction, and Logan wants to show the doll to me.
"As I have noticed, Bailey's speech
is coming a long
way. It's very cute, the things the two girls do and share. They both
are
doing well from what I can see. I want to say thank you again. Please
give
them a big hug and kiss for me. Sincerely, Christy."
What made you write that letter?
At the time, it seemed that the girls
were doing
OK. I mean, Logan wasn't happy. You could see that. I mean, they looked
healthy. And that was a big plus at the time. But I had also wrote her
another letter prior to this one asking her not to hurt my children in
any way, shape or form.
How did you feel when you saw
that they were
going to swimming and to dancing? I mean, these are things that you had
not provided for them.
Me and Logan had actually talked
about dance class
when we were in Florida. I had told her after she had started
kindergarten,
I would enroll her, but she had to make sure that's what she wanted to
do. And she said OK. But it was something that I didn't get a chance to
do with her that I wanted to, and that me and Logan had talked about.
The
swimming classes, that kind of bothered me. I wanted to be there
watching
them learn how to swim, because I didn't even know how to swim.
Did you feel inadequate that
you weren't able
to provide that kind of stuff for them?
Yes. I guess sometimes that's what
that other letter
comes from, me saying, you know, that I couldn't and didn't know how to
give them everything. Guilt plays a big role in it, I guess.
So have you ever thought you
would have been
treated differently if you had had more money?
No. If I would have had a marriage
before DHS ever
got involved, that would have made the difference, because DHS doesn't
seem to harp too much on a two-parent family. Sure, money might have
played
a part, but I think the two-parent family who was working, sure. But
I'm
a single mom with two little girls. What do I know?
It seems like you've started a
kind of a new
chapter in your life.
Yes. For a while after Logan died, I
didn't want
to do too much. I guess I didn't want to get on with life. I didn't
think
life could get back to even some kind of normal. But now it's kind of
getting
back there. I'm back in school again. There's not a day I don't think
about
Logan, especially with the first holidays coming up. But I have a
better
way to look at things right now, new hopes for Bailey and new plans for
the summers to come. It's going to be different, because when she comes
home, she's never walking back out of that door again. Not with a DHS
worker.
It'll never happen again.
I will get my degree in journalism,
and I will provide
her with a good life. I won't feel guilty of things I can't give her. I
want to be able to give her. But she'll have what she needs, that's for
sure. And she won't lack love; that's one thing she can count on. We
have
a long road ahead of her, [ahead of] us. But it's going to be a good
one;
tough, but good.
How do you think you've changed
in the six
years the department has been involved in your life?
I can honestly say, since the
department has gotten
involved six years ago, I can definitely say I've changed a lot. I
mean,
I started out as a new parent, to now I've seen a lot of stuff -- it's
almost six years -- about different parenting issues.
As a person, yes, I think I'm more
strong. And I've
got a better sense of where I want to be 10 years from now than I did
six
years ago. I mean, I've changed a lot; I've grown up. I guess when I
first
started out, I was immature still, and you know, I'm trying to make
something
of my life. I didn't know where I wanted to go and how I wanted to do
it.
But now, I know where I want to be in my life, and I know what I want
to
see happen. It's just a matter of making it happen. Just takes
time.
Do you give DHS any credit for
that?
I think I deserve the credit. I'm the
one that's
done the work. At times, I definitely, deliberately go against DHS,
because
I don't agree with them, and I'll do it my way, how I think it needs to
be done. Well, if it's not the right way, I'm sure I'll find out about
it. But for the most part, usually they don't say too much. It's just
more
of missing appointments and getting there on time and leaving on time
--
that type of thing. But I don't know. For a long time, I haven't heard
anything bad about my parenting skills. But they can always find
something
else.
I think the reason why I feel that
I'm more independent
now than I was before is because I've seen a lot in a short period of
time.
So I know where I want to go from here. I don't have to rely on
somebody
else to do my work that needs to be done; I can do it myself. I don't
need
a mom figure to do it for me. I can do it myself and I can make my own
decisions.

Return
To Logan's Story
Read
An Interview With Christy Marr
Read
An Interview with Sally Schofield

For
information
about preventing child abuse in the state of Maine, click the links
below.
If they can't help you, ask for someone who can. NEVER give up
looking
for help for an abused child!
Call
this number
to report child abuse ANY WHERE in the United States!
1-800-4-A-Child
1-800-422-4453


   



My sincerest appreciation goes
out to
Diane Trembly for allowing me to use one
of her beautiful Angels to
make the graphics
for this set. Please visit her site,
by clicking the link below, to
see all
of her amazing work.


|