In October of 2015, the lives of my family were once again turned upside down by a suicide in our family. My nephew William committed suicide in October of 2013. We struggled with guesses and assuming, to figure out what could have caused this to happen. In October of 2015, my nephew John Foss took his own life, again we struggle.

William and his brother John were always very close. Where one of them was, the other was soon to follow. The first time they really experienced any type of real separation was when William joined the Marines. John decided to go to work with a group who taught rock climbing, river rafting and other out door activities to young teens. William was soon home and things were back to "normal".

In 2013 after William took his own life, John was angry, he was like all of his, he didn't understand though we all had our feelings as for why this happened. John would carry on with his life, taking care of his father and never showing anyone that he was upset, angry or missing his brother.

Anyone who knew or even met John for the first time would tell you that he was one of the happiest people you could or would ever meet. John didn't show his feelings if he was upset, he was very good at hiding that part of himself. We celebrated Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters, birthdays and other holidays and John always showed up with a smile.

The morning my brother called and told my husband that John had committed suicide, the world just sort of stood still. This was one of the most horrible things that had happened in our lives and we were living it for the second time in two years.

I sit here less than a year later struggling with the guilt that I have not added a page for John sooner, it's the same guilt I had when I didn't add a page for William right away. All I can think is that these are some of the people in my life who should have been making a memorial page for me after my own death. This isn't right, I shouldn't be making pages for people in my family who had so much to live for, who gave so much of who they were to those around them. Then I can't stop thinking that we should have seen a sign, we should have been able to prevent this. I assume anyone who has a death such as this in their family, feels the same as we do.

What I have learned with the deaths of my nephews:
We are not in control of what others do.
We are not always able to see what's going on inside the minds of our loved ones.
We are not to blame for not being able to know in advance what our loved ones are capable of doing.

People are able to hide pain and suffering so deep down inside, you'd never know they were unhappy.
We have to forgive them because they have no way of knowing the affect their actions will have on others.
Whatever they were going through, in their mind, it was worse than living.
If someone is going to choose this way out, the chances of stopping them are very slim.
They chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The guilt does not go away, even though all of the above, is true!


It Wasn't Supposed To Be This Way

It wasn't supposed to be this way
me kissing your cheek and then walking away
We still had so much of life to live
you still had so much of yourself to give

It wasn't supposed to be this way
seeing you just lying there on that sad day
Seemingly sleeping though I knew it wasn't so
 Not understanding why you felt you had to go

It wasn't supposed to be this way
another limb fell from our family tree that day
My hearts aches trying to make sense of it all
my mind knows you won't be the last limb to fall

It wasn't suppose to be this way
there is no understanding and nothing to say
We'll struggle with grief until our day is here
at the gates of Heaven, we'll see you when we get there

Written for my nephew
June 20, 2016

This is John and me. John was very tall as you can see. John was born on December
14, one day after my birthday. He loved to tease me about how he WOULD have been
born on my birthday if he had not been a stubborn baby and made a right turn shortly
before he was due to be delivered. We celebrated our birthdays together, with both
of our names on the cake. I wonder if I will ever get used to not having him there,
not having his name on the cake.

Though this song is not necessarily about the deceased, I find it fitting for this situation.

"Hymn For The Missing"

I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?

You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wanders lost and wounded
This heart that I misplaced

Where are you now?
Are you lost?
Will I find you again?
Are you alone?
Are you afraid?
Are you searching for me?
Why did you go? I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait? will you wait?
Will I see you again?


Song by: Red

You can visit John's Find A Grave Memorial by clicking here:
John Foss Find A Grave Memorial

John Foss
Friday, October 9, 2015
Mountain Home News

John Allen Foss, age 28, passed away on Friday, Oct. 9, 2015. John was born Dec. 14, 1987 in Mountain Home and lived there up until the time of his death.

John had a great love of the outdoors and spent time teaching rock climbing and kayaking with a youth program and often did construction work with his Uncle Bob. John could always be counted on to lend a hand when someone needed help.

Spending time at home, playing pool with his friends, John could always be found with a smile on his face. John considered himself a master ofvideo games and loved to play as often as he could. Basketball was something John enjoyed and played with a cousin who also enjoys the sport.

John is survived by his parents, Douglas J. Foss of Mountain Home; Kimberly Billinger and her husband, Tom of Mountain Home; as well as manyuncles, aunts and cousins, all who love and will miss him very much.

John was preceded in death by his grandparents, Conrad C. and Majella L. Foss; Roy A. and Evelyn M. Dutton; his brother, William D. Foss; anaunt, Anne L. Butler (Foss); and his cousin, Christy A. Taylor.

There will be a service at Our Lady of Good Counsel Catholic Church on Friday, Oct. 16, 2015, at 11 a.m. with a light luncheon after theservice. Cremation was under the direction of Rost Funeral Home, McMurtrey Chapel, in Mountain Home.

In lieu of flowers, John's family has requested donations be made to the Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline, C/O Jannus, Inc., 1607 West Jefferson St., Boise, Id 83702 or


John with his father Doug and brother William

John's stepdad Tom, mother Kim, John and Aunt Joleen

John's Uncle Marc and favorite Aunt Sharon, Me :)

Please visit the Suicide Prevention sites below or click here:

If you have an emergency are in a crisis situation, PLEASE call:


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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